How to Help a Grieving Child or Teen Through the Holidays
The holidays can be one of the hardest times for a grieving child or teen. You can help by using honest, simple words about the death, planning the season together, making room for memories, keeping routines steady and watching for changes that last. You don't need the perfect thing to say. Being present, listening and letting your child help shape the holidays matter more.
Key takeaways for helping a grieving child during the holidays
Grief is common in childhood. The 2024 Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model estimates that 1 in 12 children in the U.S., about 6.3 million, will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18.
Missing someone is one of the most common holiday worries. In the American Psychiatric Association's 2025 Healthy Minds Poll, 48% of U.S. adults named missing someone or grief as a holiday concern.
Kids grieve differently at different ages, and grief often comes and goes. A child can be laughing one minute and sad the next.
Planning ahead, involving kids in decisions and honoring the person who died can make the season feel less overwhelming.
If big changes in sleep, school, mood or behavior last for weeks, it may help to talk with a counselor.
Why are the holidays so hard for grieving kids?
The holidays are built around traditions, gatherings and "the way we always do it," so an empty chair is easy to notice. For a grieving child, the music, the food and even the decorations can bring the loss back up. Many kids also pick up on the stress of the grown-ups around them, even when no one says it out loud.
If you're grieving the same person your child is, it makes sense that this season feels heavy. In the APA's 2025 poll, missing someone or grief was the top holiday worry, ahead of gifts and family tension. You can care for your child and still need care yourself.
How do children and teens grieve at different ages?
Children understand death differently as they grow, so their grief looks different too. The American Academy of Pediatrics describes some common patterns:
Toddlers and preschoolers may not understand that death is permanent and may ask the same questions again and again. They still sense the sadness around them.
School-age children usually understand that death is permanent by about ages 5 to 7, but they may struggle to accept a personal loss. Grief can show up as stomachaches, clinginess or trouble focusing.
Teens understand death more like adults do, but many keep their feelings private. They may lean on friends, stay busy or seem fine at home.
Grief often comes in waves. Your child may play, joke or seem unaffected, then feel a wave of sadness when a favorite song comes on. That's a common part of grieving, not a sign that they didn't care. Grief can also return years later at milestones like graduations or holidays.
What should I say to a grieving child?
When helping a grieving child during the holidays, use honest, simple words, and keep the door open for more questions. With young children especially, phrases like "Grandpa went to sleep" or "We lost Grandma" can be confusing or even scary. The AAP notes that literal-minded children may start to fear sleeping or traveling after hearing those phrases. "Grandpa died. His body stopped working, and he can't come back" is clearer and kinder in the long run.
A few other things that help:
Listen more than you explain. The AAP puts it simply: it's more important to listen than to have the "perfect" words.
Let feelings be okay. Crying, anger, quiet and even laughter are all normal. You can say, "Whatever you're feeling is okay. I'm here."
Skip the pressure lines. Try to avoid "Be strong for your mom" or "I know exactly how you feel." They can make kids feel they need to hide their grief.
Expect repeat questions. Younger kids often ask the same thing many times as they make sense of it.
You don't need the perfect thing to say. Being present, listening and letting your child help shape the holidays matter more.
How can we plan a holiday season that works for our family?
Plan ahead, and plan together. The Dougy Center, a national center for grieving children and families, notes that the days leading up to a holiday are often harder than the day itself, and that planning ahead can lower anxiety, especially for kids.
Try a short family meeting a week or two before the holiday:
Ask each person what matters most. What do they want to keep doing? What feels too hard this year? Make sure every child gets a turn and knows they'll be heard.
Decide what to keep, change or skip. You might keep the cooking, change where you gather or skip the big party this year. It's okay if this year looks different.
Preview the gathering. Let kids know who will be there, how long you'll stay and what people might say. Practice a simple answer they can use if someone asks how they're doing, like "I'm okay, thanks. I miss her."
Plan an exit. Agree on a calm spot or a signal your child can use when they need a break.
Say yes to help. If someone offers to cook, shop or drive, let them. Grief is tiring, and you don't have to do it all.
The Dougy Center offers a free Holiday Tip Sheet and Worksheet you can use for this conversation. You'll find the link in the sources below.
Try this: a five-minute memory ritual
Honoring the person who died can help children feel connected instead of feeling like they have to pretend everything is normal. Pick one simple ritual your family can do together this season:
Light a candle at dinner and say their name.
Cook their favorite dish, and let your child help.
Set out a memory jar. Anyone can drop in a note about a favorite moment.
Make a paper chain of memories to hang with your decorations.
Look at photos together and share one story each.
Keep it short. If your child doesn't want to join this year, that's okay too.
How grief and family traditions show up in Black and Hispanic families
In many Black and Hispanic families, grief is held by a wide circle: grandparents, aunties, uncles, church family and close friends who are family. That circle can be a real strength for kids. It can also mean lots of people asking a child how they're doing, or a family expectation to "stay strong" and keep moving.
You can honor your family's ways of remembering while making space for your child's feelings. Many families already have rich traditions for this, like sharing stories at the table, a family prayer, playing the person's favorite music or setting a photo out during the holidays. Let your child choose how they want to take part. If faith is important to your family, it can be a source of comfort right alongside talking about feelings. And it's okay to let relatives know, kindly, what your child does and doesn't want to talk about.
When should I reach out for support?
Most grief doesn't need "fixing." It needs time, love and steady adults. Still, sometimes kids and families need more support. According to the AAP, it may help to talk with your child's pediatrician or a counselor if you notice:
Big changes in everyday behavior that last for weeks, such as a chatty child who becomes very quiet
New aggression, like a once-gentle child who starts hitting or yelling
Ongoing trouble with sleep, eating, school or friendships
Your teen pulling away from everyone, not just from you
Talk of wanting to die or to be with the person who died
If you're in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or call 911.
It also helps to let your child's school counselor or teacher know about the loss, so they can offer support during the school day.
How Aspen can help
At Aspen Counseling & Wellness, our Texas-licensed counselors support teens ages 12 and up, parents and families through grief, life transitions and the stress that can come with them. We offer secure telehealth across Texas, from Houston and Dallas to Austin, San Antonio, El Paso and rural communities, so you can get support from home. We center culturally affirming care and accept a variety of insurance plans.
If you're not sure where to start, book a free 15-minute consultation at aspencw.com. We'll listen and help you figure out next steps for your family.
Frequently asked questions
Should my child go to holiday gatherings after a death?
It depends on your child and the gathering. Talk with them about who will be there and what it might feel like, then let them help decide. If they go, plan a calm spot or an early exit. It's okay to keep this year smaller.
Is it normal for my child to seem fine and then fall apart?
Yes. Many children grieve in waves, moving in and out of sadness. A child may play happily one minute and cry the next. That's a common pattern, and it doesn't mean they're grieving "wrong."
Should we keep our old holiday traditions?
You can keep them, change them or take a break. Ask your kids what feels meaningful. Some families keep the traditions that feel comforting, change the ones that feel too painful and add a new tradition to honor the person who died.
How do I support my teen if they won't talk to me?
Keep the door open without pushing. Side-by-side moments, like driving, cooking or walking, often feel easier for teens than face-to-face talks. Let them know other trusted adults are okay to talk to as well, like a coach, relative or counselor.
What if I'm grieving too?
It's okay for your child to see you sad. You can show them that grief is something people get through with support. Take care of yourself, accept help and consider support for yourself too. You don't have to have it all together to be a good parent right now.
Can a counselor help a grieving child or teen?
Yes. A counselor can give your child a safe place to talk, help them understand their feelings and help your family find ways to cope together. Aspen offers counseling for teens 12 and up, parents and families by telehealth across Texas.
Sources
This article is for educational purposes and isn't a substitute for professional care.
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